1. “Be reight.” – I’m so desperately sorry to hear of the awful time you’re going through, but I have faith and hope that things will sort themselves out.

2. “‘Ey up!” – How the devil are you, old friend?

3. “Yer brew’s mashin’.” – This exceedingly strong and exceptionally tasty cup of Yorkshire Tea will be with you shortly.

4. “It’s chuffin’ roastin’ out.” – It is March bank holiday and therefore I will not need my coat until October.

5. “Bagsy ‘avin a croggy!” – I’m now officially the first person to be allowed a ride on the back of your bicycle.

6. “‘Ow much?” – Do you really mean to tell me that I won’t get change from a tenner for this round?

7. “‘Eez int’bog.” – He’s visiting the lavatory at the present moment.

8. “That’s proper champion, that, lad.” – My dear child, I’ve frankly never been more proud of you.

9. “Gi’us a butty.” – Please may I have one of those delightful looking cheese-and-pickle sandwiches?

10. “Gi’us a chuddy.” – Please may I have some chewing gum? Those cheese-and-pickle sandwiches seem to have given me slightly putrid breath.

11. “Gi’or, yer too cack-‘anded.” – Look, just let me take over the preparation of this Yorkshire pudding mix, you’re frankly too clumsy to be trusted with it.

12. “I’m chuffed t’bits wi’ that.” – This is quite possibly the best news I’ve ever received.

13. “Ahm fair t’middlin’.” – I’m not doing too badly, thanks.

14. “‘E’s in fine fettle.” – He’s doing very well by all accounts – must have had a smashing trip to Skeggy.

15. “Tha’ knows.” – You understand, do you not?

16. “Mind you visit yer nan this weekend, she’s getting reight mardy.” – Be sure to take the time to visit your grandma this weekend, she’s starting to get a bit annoyed with you.

17. “‘quit mitherin’ stop complaining so much

18. “Eeh, yer daft ha’peth.” – My god, you fool, you’ve made quite the mistake here.

19. “Na’than thee, ‘ow’s tha’ lass?” – Why, hello, my friend, how the devil is your wife?

20. “Put wood in t’ole! Was tha’ born in a barn?” – Please shut the door. Where the dickens were you brought up that you think it’s OK to sit in a draft?

21. “‘Ow do, my love?” – Why hello, m’lady.

22 “‘Owt’s better than nowt.” – Well, it’s not quite the Sean Bean life-sized cutout I was hoping for, but I suppose this poster of him will do.

23. “‘E’s neither use nor ornament.” – That gentlemen serves quite literally no purpose on this earth.

24. “Where there’s muck, there’s brass.” – One can make a small fortune if one is willing to engage in dirty work.

25. “Did I ‘eckers like!” – Did I bunk off work to buy Def Leppard tour tickets? My god, of course not!

26. “Eeh I’ll go t’foot of stairs!” – It’s snowing in May? My goodness, I’m really quite surprised by this turn of events.e.

27. “Ah reckon nowt ter that.” – I don’t think much of your advice to stop drinking after five pints. What the devil is wrong with you?

28. “And ahm ‘appy as a pig in muck.” – And I’m really quite pleased about that.

29. “Wang it o’er.” – Please toss me that chunk of Wensleydale so that I can gnaw on it like an animal.

30. “It’s like Blackpool illuminations in ‘ere.” – I am your father and it is my responsibility to remind that you have left one light on in the house.

31. “If tha’s ‘ad beef dripping for dinner tha’s not ‘avin’ a chippy tea.” – If you had a delicious hot midday meal, you’re certainly not being treated to chips for your evening meal.

32. “Tha’ meks a better door than window.” – Please could you get out of the way of the television so I can finish watching Corrie, you careless lump?

33. “‘E’s a reight bobby dazzler.” – Alex Turner really scrubs up nicely when he’s in a suit, no?

Can you think of any more? lisa@caringtogether.org.uk

Dear all,

I’ve become very slack on the writing front recently, thinking that, since the Great Lockdown appeared to be loosening, it was time to get back to normal, and in normal times I wouldn’t be writing at all except for money.

Except that it’s not very clear what’s changed; if the first wave of the virus is going to be followed by a second wave, then we’ll all have to go back to square one, which is apparently a phrase dating from early radio days when listeners followed football games by referring to an imaginary grid covering the pitch.

I can imagine locked-down or newly-unemployed people reverting to the ‘square one’ system as a way of killing time while reviving forgotten skills, such as unnecessary baking or paper plane design. The landlady of our local pub has knitted (or ‘individually crafted’ as it’s now known) charming pen holders for the staff, which has created almost as much interest as football matches played to empty stadiums.

All of which will remain tolerably amusing until the effects of economic recession converge with the effects of a virus which seems to be picking up speed, so that we might all end up like the damsel in silent movies; tied to the railway line as a terrible choice of fates races towards her. (As part of my lock-down activities, I’ve been trying to improve my metaphor skills, but it’s not really worked).

Whatever happens, I can’t think that offices as they were just a few months ago will ever go back to square one. More likely, they’ll come to be regarded as an intermediate form of life, like mudskippers, which have moved on from being fish to being amphibians.

Offices have moved on from being creations of the factory age, housed in large buildings and manned by people working inflexible hours and using clunking technology like typewriters and Xerox machines, to…well, nobody quite knows yet, but it’s unlikely to involve workers spending a good part of their working day travelling to work, gossiping, being unnecessarily hectored by middle management or spending most of their dwindling funds at Greggs.

Hopefully, if we survive at all, we’ll become as flexible as the machines of the computer age, which can function, unlike 19^th century  mill machines, in most locations and at all times.

So we’ll become less like fish, moving in shoals and tied to one environment, and more like amphibians, which move separately between land and water, like newts. Which reminds me, I could do with a drink.